This is the beginning of my journey to independence I suppose. My chance to show a special angel in heaven that she helped me grow some awesome wings and taught me to fly high.
Over the last 4 days I have tried effortlessly to sit down and hash out a tribute to my mom but I just couldn't put together one cohesive blog. Everything seemed like an ADHD kid hyped up on energy drinks and Valium. I'd rush headlong into the effort with a powerful opening statement but I would end up hitting a brick wall of emotions three sentences in and end up sitting on the couch, crying until I was numb.
And it seemed that every other sentence formed in my head was "THIS SUCKS!" so why bother trying right? Well we are down to no days left and it is time for me to put to rest the body of my mom. Tonight is her viewing and tomorrow is her graveside services so this is probably my last chance to give her a tribute that will make the angels in heaven know just how special that woman is to one little girl down here on earth.
But where do I begin? Do I start with the most recent memories and talk about the woman she was at the end of her struggles? Do I talk about the woman that was emotionally burning bridge after bridge because of her anxiety driven actions? The woman who let a fear of falling destroy her chances of regaining her health. Or do I start with my earliest memories? The woman who held us together through countless moves and transitions, And who stood strong by my dad's side as he chased his career all over the globe.
How about I start in the middle. I will start with the woman who kept me from dying.
When I was 16, I was a rebellious mess.. lol But then again show me one emotionally stable 16 year old on this planet! lol But I was lucky because I had my mom. The beginning of that school year I kept getting into fights with my dad about some of the dumbest stuff on this earth. And like all headstrong and stubborn teenagers I was trying to see exactly how powerful I was by pushing his buttons until he broke. And break he did, because heaven forbid he be allowed to lose his temper with his rude and disrespectful daughter!
This series of events led to me slipping into a mental disorder called Clinical Depression. If you want more details, look it up! It ain't pretty to say the least. And for the period of about 4 months I lived in the bottom of my closet constantly crying and wishing I had enough courage to kill myself. Dreading doing such mundane tasks as going to the bathroom because it meant I had to look at my pathetic self in a mirror. I was quiet and apologetic to everyone for everything and it seemed I found some convoluted way to link every wrong thing that happened in the universe back to me and my useless life. Sound like fun so far?
Through all of this I can only imagine what my mom saw as she watched me slip deeper inside my shell and draw further and further away from life. I can only cry for the pain she endured seeing her baby mentally mutilate herself and not know how to throw me a lifeline. It must have been a grueling hell that I pray I will never know.
I remember wanting desperately to reach out to her but saw her as "sleeping with the enemy." There were even countless times that she was holding me during a bad moment, with tears in her own eyes, as she gently reminded me that I was her daughter but "he" was her husband. I was torn and she was torn. It was a family in shreds and it was a nightmare.
Then one day she asked me what I wanted and I made the mistake of telling her what I thought I wanted, which was to end my suffering and to just go away. THAT was the day that she found her strength and found a way to throw me a floatie. She grabbed me fiercely and told me point blank I was not allowed to leave her... EVER!!!! And she vowed to help me get better no matter what it took. Somehow through all my pain and anger I believed her and I had faith that she could do it.
Over the course of the next couple of months we started the discovery process that involved several doctor visits and blood tests to see if I had a chemical imbalance. The results came back with only a slightly off center result but the pediatrician who was our guide, decided to put me on a medication. All seemed good until that jerk decided to throw in one last statement. He said " And it will help with your weight problem." To me that was the final blow and I finally struck bottom. Because now I was not only having a happy problem but I was fat?!?!? Seriously, who gave him his license for destruction? They needed to revoke it immediately!
I walked out of that office feeling less than the poop scrapped off a shoe onto the curb and fully deciding that I would rather die than live. Now you would think that I was fated to exist in a chemical induced emotional coma just waiting for the day to come that the meds stopped working so I could end my own life but it didn't happen that way at all. Mom and I trudged to the truck and hopped in to run the prescription over to the pharmacist; quiet the entire trip. As the pharmacist stood there and patiently explained that I had to take this medication every day without fail at the exact same time, tears slid silently down my face. My mom held my hand as he continued to list the perils and possibilities that it might make me worse or that I might go crazy if I stopped taking it. LIFE SUCKED right then and there worse than it ever has since.
Sullenly, I walked back out to the car with my mom two feet ahead of me. I slid into the truck beside her and she looked at me crying and with tears as big and numerous as mine streaming down her own face, she asked me what I thought. And then she did something I had seen her do countless times but had taken for granted each and every one of them. SHE LISTENED TO ME. I turned to her and broke down completely and begged her not to make me take it. I just knew it would be the end of me and I was terrified that I would give in to the darkness lurking within me if I forgot ONE day. So instead of asking me to just try it she said "Okay." no arguing no badgering just a simple and sweet "Okay." It had the same sound to it as an angel's song from heaven and there appeared on my event horizon a tiny speck of light.
When we got home she started calling our family physician to see if he had any other options for us and asked him many questions about non chemical answers. I numbly sat there at the table as she jotted down names and numbers to what, I had no idea. But as she ended the conversation she had a small smile on her face that calmed me from the inside out.
That day she made me an appointment with a man that I would later refer to as my "happy guide". And for the next year we underwent a transformation as a family that would last a lifetime. We learned to communicate and how to disagree without destruction and we learned how to appreciate one another as unique individuals with strengths and weaknesses. And we learned what our buttons were and how NOT to push them. lol
In addition, I learned that although I was not happy with my dad at times I still loved him very much. And I learned that I had a mom who would stand by my side and walk into hell to drag me back out.
Since then I have had countless chances to practice the lessons that my "Happy Guide" taught me and to find the good in everything. And I have had a chance to repair my relationship with my dad and to become a strong and confident woman. I am a warrior! And it is all because of one woman.... My MOM!
My faith believes that we will be reunited in the bonds of family when I pass on and that the family is eternal. This has it's comforts in a way, but it's not working to erase the emptiness the 30-40 years that stretch between me and our reunion brings to my heart.
It has been 4 days and already I have picked up my phone 4 times to call her. Nothing important, just piddly stuff like the name of our neighbors in Germany or the amount of juice needed for her yummy lemon bars. But now I am on my own and I am scared.
I look at my daughter and wonder if I will have to watch her self destruct as I did and I worry that I will not have the wings strong enough to carry her through it. But then I remember the woman I had to pull me out and I know that if I want to honor her and her life I will do what needs to be done. That doctor she got me was my "Happy Guide" but she has been and will always be my "Life Guide".
I LOVE YOU MOM. I MISS YOU MOM. AND I WILL SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.
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